If you’re sexually active, chances are that you’ve felt insecure about it at some point in your life. And you’re most definitely not alone with this feeling! Whether it’s your 1st or 100th time, sexual insecurities can happen whenever. Women are especially prone to feeling insecure in bed. And let’s be honest: Feeling insecure about sex can really screw up your sex life!
But why are women so likely to feel insecure about their sexual encounters? There’s a multitude of reasons for this phenomenon, but let’s start with the most obvious one. For decades women have been told what they should like, smell like, and how they should act. One minute the super skinny Kate Moss without hips and vacant eyes is beautiful, and in the next moment, it’s the curvy Kim Kardashian with her full lips. So, no wonder we feel insecure. And let’s also not forget porn here; lots of insecurities stem from the unrealistic expectations it sets. Porn is a realm where women have perfectly round, gravity-defying breasts, not a single hair on any body part other than their head, and they make sex look so easy and seamless! But let’s be real, when did that ever happen in real life? Exactly, never! And even though many of us know that, many women still try to live up to this unrealistic standard which will undoubtfully cause insecurities. And, last but not least, let’s not forget that female pleasure has only become a thing in recent years. Before, sex was entirely made out to be for male pleasure, the women was largely there to satisfy. This has led to women feeling like their male partner’s orgasm is much more important than their own. So, if your partner doesn’t finish (and yes, it happens & likely doesn’t have anything to you with you), women tend to feel insecure about it and wonder if it’s something they did or didn’t do (believe me, it’s usually not).
Add a few individual situations where things didn’t go to plan to the mix and no wonder you’re not exactly overflowing with confidence. But don’t worry, there’s still a chance to turn this whole thing around! Let’s look at some of the most common insecurities and what you can do about them.
When you're feeling insecure about your body
Between skinny models in fashion magazines and Instagram influencers with the perfect body, women often feel insecure about their own appearance. Not feeling happy with the way you look is awful at the best of times, but if it happens in bed it’s even worse because it’s the certain death of feeling sexy. I mean, how likely is it that you’re going to have the best sexual experience ever while feeling super self-conscious about the rolls on your tummy. So, next time you feel insecure about your body, try something: Rather than thinking about what certain body parts might look like at the moment, concentrate on how your body feels. Close your eyes and really feel the sensation of being touched and kissed by your partner. And never forget: Sex isn’t about modelling body parts, it’s about feeling all the sensation that come with it.
When you're feeling like you’re taking too long to finish
The good old orgasm guilt. Women get it ALL. THE. TIME. Why? Because the orgasm gap is still very much alive and breathing. This means that men experience more orgasms than women, simply because it’s easier for them to actually reach an orgasm. Women, on the other hand, can take a while to finish and, because of that, we are well-known to become insecure about it. “Am I taking too long?”. “Is my partner getting bored?”. “Why can’t I just finish quicker?”. These are all questions many women will have asked themselves at some points in their lives. But here’s the thing: If you get in your own head and wonder these things while your partner is pleasuring you, chances are that you won’t finish and your thoughts will likely also take away the heat of the moment. So, try and stop feeling like you have to finish in the span o fa minute and put those insecurities to bed. Chances are, that your partner is actually very much enjoying what they’re doing and is more than happy for you to take your time (if they aren’t, it might be time to say goodbye to them!). Always remember: Pleasuring you isn’t a chore for them, you are equally as important as they are!
When you’re worried about the whole top and bottom situation
It’s super easy to feel like you’re doing everything wrong when you’re on top as you’re practically leading the whole thing. Equally, when you’re at the bottom for too long, you might feel guilty for being lazy and not doing anything. Always remember that sex is a game of taking and giving; if possible, these two should be somewhat equal. And don’t be scared about being on top; if you’re not doing it right, your partner will let you know and you can adapt to their feedback (same goes the other way 0 if something doesn’t feel right or good to you, say it!).
When you’re worried that you don’t smell or taste nice
For many years, society has trained us to think that your natural smells aren’t good and should be wiped away with some nice, floral vagina wipes (don’t do that, btw – your pH balance won’t like it). In our society, the penis is unfortunately treated like royalty while the vagina is more like the unwanted stepchild. But, let me tell you, as long as you’re healthy and jump in the shower or the bath on a regular basis, your smell will be absolutely fine & if your partner is into you, they’ll actually like it. So, stop worrying about what you might smell or taste like down there and enjoy that your partner is enjoying it too.
When you’re worried that you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing
Whether you’re feeling insecure about giving oral, getting on top or just the whole experience altogether, you’re not alone. However, confidence is actually king in these situations! I know, easier said than done, right? But let’s think about it this way: If you approach any sexual interaction with knowing that you’ll blow your partner’s mind, your confidence will radiate in the room and also wrap your partner up in it. Confidence is sexy! Even if you’re not feeling confident, just pretend that you are. Fake it till you make it, so to speak.
When you’re worried about your bodily functions
Farting, getting your period, getting poop on your partners penis during anal sex – they might not be pretty, but they happen. And for some reason, they make many women fairly insecure when they really shouldn’t! They are all normal bodily functions everyone experiences and definitely nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It’s just human, and you don’t need to feel insecure about being human!
Send your mind to bed
Quite a lot of female arousal has to do with our mind. So, when you start worrying and overthinking things, the chances of you enjoying the whole thing or even reaching an orgasm are about 0. Instead, try to be present, force yourself to focus on what’s happening and enjoy it rather than worrying about your looks, skills, or whether you’re taking too long to finish. You’re not solving anything by worrying about these things. In fact, you’re likely just ruining the whole experience for yourself.
Talk to your partner about it
Try to be open and honest with your partner about your insecurities; this can really make ALL the difference for both of you! Just make sure to not make it a constant conversation or throw things out of proportion as this can actually make things worse. When you open up to your partner, both of you can work on ways that’ll help you overcome your insecurities and support you. Your partner might not even know that you’ve been feeling insecure about things so telling them will likely make them put an extra bit of effort in to make you feel even more comfortable. It can bring you much closer!